The Tales of an Infinite Regressor - Chapter 161

[Translator – Jjescus]

[Proofreader – Gun]

Chapter 161

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Potato II

4

As you all know well, the Saintess was genuinely committed to her life as a recluse.

One might think she would expand her circle of acquaintances out of loneliness, but apart from me, she didn’t form any personal relationships at all.

She didn’t even engage in online communities.

While she observed the trends on SG-Net, she never posted or commented herself. There was a reason her SG-Net nickname hadn’t appeared until now.

When I asked her if she ever felt lonely.

“The moment of death—no matter if you’re surrounded by family at your deathbed—the final 0.01 seconds before your consciousness falls into the abyss, no one can share that moment with you.”

“We are all moving toward that 0.01 seconds. It’s a moment of quiet and silence that no human being can dress up with words or concepts.”

“If that’s loneliness, then daily life is just a gradual purification of that ultimate loneliness. I choose to accept that air as it is.”

That was her answer.

While I nodded and said, “Oh,” I also tilted my head a bit. Doesn’t that just mean she’s lonely?

In any case, the Saintess was not a recluse by circumstance, but a voluntary one, and even in a philosophical sense. It would be extremely difficult for someone like her to get close to another person.

But what if, instead of a human, a potato appeared?

“Oh, hello! Potato…! G-good morning!”

Sim Aryeon greeted with a bow in the lobby of the hideout.

Then, the Saintess-Potato, aboard a robot, casually moved the robotic arm to return the greeting.

“Yes. Good morning, Ms. Sim Aryeon.”

“Hehe… Yes!”

It wasn’t just Sim Aryeon.

“Hello. Good morning. Your potato sprouts look pretty.”

“Yes. Good morning to you too, Ms. Lee Hayul.”

“Wow, Saintess! Your potato skin looks extra shiny today! You look great!”

“Thank you, Mr. Seo Gyu.”

Everyone in the hideout greeted the Saintess-Potato with bright smiles and faces.

Meanwhile, my jaw was practically on the floor, ready to jump off and do a bungee jump towards Newton’s gravity.

What in the world was going on?

“Oh, by the way, Saintess, there’s a meeting of the SG-Net houseplant club members coming up. Would you like to join us? Everyone would love it if you came!”

“Yes, I’ll join. But I’ll have to hide my identity.”

“S-Saintess, let me water you with this watering can…! Hehe. You like this, right?”

“Thank you. It feels very nice.”

“Sister Saintess. You have a drink with Leader Noh Doha today. Could you come too?”

“Gladly.”

The hideout was buzzing with noise. All the guild members were gathering around the Saintess-Potato, engaging in a fierce middle-school-style popularity contest (“I’m closer to her than you are!” “What are you talking about? I’m way closer!”).

Yes.

Somehow, I don’t know by what principle, but surprisingly, the robot-potato-Saintess was enjoying massive popularity.

It was different when she was confined to her weak human flesh, but now as a potato, she was loved and adored by everyone.

But why?

“Oh. Didn’t you know, boss?”

“Know what?”

“The Saintess recently decided to start a new Constellation service.”

With that, Seo Gyu showed me a document file. The document read as follows:

—

[Announcement]

Starting today, the Constellation “Understanding of Agony” will provide psychological counseling to Awakeners.

In this harsh apocalyptic era.

The physical pain is severe, but so is the psychological suffering, yet when you vent your stress, all you get back is, “At least you’re alive, why are you complaining?”

Are you unable to express your pain to those around you because you’re afraid of appearing weak or being laughed at?

Rely on the Constellation “Understanding of Agony,” not on humans. The Constellation will not use your weaknesses against you, nor mock you.

Don’t hesitate to ask for counseling.

—

“…”

“This is the draft. The Saintess is currently beta-testing this service with us. I must say, she’s really good at counseling!”

Seo Gyu said.

Thank goodness I’m a regressor who doesn’t have to worry about dentures even when I get old. If I had been wearing dentures, they would’ve just fallen out.

“Psychological counseling…?”

“Yes.”

“By whom?”

“Huh? The Saintess, of course. Didn’t I mention it?”

Are they out of their minds?

The Saintess giving advice on the extremely subtle and delicate flows of stress in human relationships?

That was nonsense.

The only kind of counseling the saintess could handle was something like, “A consideration of the correlation between Kant’s sensuous-intellectual form and Schopenhauer’s principle of sufficient reason.”

What kind of nonsense is that, you ask?

Exactly. That was my point.

The saintess’s counseling was at least 2.2 million light-years away from what one would typically understand as psychological counseling.

“Seo Gyu, are you… satisfied with this psychological counseling?”

“Yes. I’m completely satisfied. I think psychological counseling for regular awakened ones will start from next week.”

“No… Guys, get a grip. There’s no way this is going to work!”

It worked.

“Crazy?”

And it was a huge success.

– Anonymous: To be honest, I’ve been feeling really down lately, but after getting counseling from the ‘Understanding of Agony,’ I felt so much better.

└ Anonymous: Same here. When people around here kept recommending that I get counselling, I honestly thought, ‘What’s wrong with these people?’ But after I did it, I cried my eyes out within an hour.

– Anonymous: I guess everyone was struggling in their own way.

└ Literature Girl: Honestly, it’s normal to struggle, lol. The world is messed up, and those who went out for a walk are returning as sunflowers; of course, it’s hard not to be struggling.

└ Anonymous: For real, lol.

– [National Road] Military Officer: Hmm…

– KoreanVillage: I usually don’t say stuff like this, but you should also get psychological counseling from the ‘Understanding of Agony,’ as a favor. They’re on a whole different level compared to lowly humans.

I was shocked.

Could it be a strange phenomenon? Well, of course, it’s strange.

Anyway, even though her appearance changed into a potato, her inner self remained… well, of course, her inner self would be a potato too, but her consciousness and identity were still fixed as the saintess, weren’t they?

Even Tang Seorin was deeply engrossed in the psychological counseling offered by the ‘Understanding of Agony.’

“Ah, Doctor Jang. Sorry. Let’s just have dinner and part ways today. I have a schedule.”

“Hmm? It’s rare for you not to drink. What’s the schedule?”

“It’s the day for my psychological counseling. ‘The Understanding One’ said that it’s important to have regular counseling sessions. Recently, I’ve been getting counseling about why I’ve been so obsessed with trains and witch hats.”

“…”

“I realized that I had more wounds than I thought when I was young. Oh, and why don’t you get counseling too? About the Three Kingdoms, maybe?”

The world was going insane.

I hurried to find the saintess.

[Translator – Jjescus]

[Proofreader – Gun]

The saintess, now settled in a café in Yongsan, was sitting cross-legged in the middle of a private room.

Yes. The potato-shaped saintess, inside a robot, was sitting cross-legged, as if meditating, on a cushion.

The scene itself was extremely surrealistic.

“Saintess. We need to talk.”

[Quiet.]

Creak. The robot arm moved to make a ‘shushing’ gesture.

Considering that a potato doesn’t have lips, this was surreal as well. Even Zenyatta would look more human compared to this robot-potato saintess.

[I’m in the middle of counseling Tang Seorin. Please wait 50 minutes.]

“…”

What on earth could you and Tang Seorin be talking about in your psychological counseling sessions?

The curiosity, bubbling like lava in the deep pit of my mind, was barely held back.

Privacy. Privacy.

[Yes, the counseling is over. But I have another appointment in 10 minutes, so please be quick. What do you need, Doctor Jang?]

“…Saintess. I really hate to say this, but I have no choice. This is an abnormal situation.”

[An abnormal situation?]

“To be blunt, you hate humans, don’t you? How did you end up counseling others?”

[I have transcended the shell of humanity.]

???

[As you pointed out, my misanthropy was deeply rooted. But after shedding my human flesh, it’s strange, but humans started to appear as a different species to me.]

“A different species?”

[Yes. I no longer have any reason to be fixated on the human form. It feels like watching cute pets, or observing insects.]

It really is something strange!

Damn it, Noh Doha was right again. The robot-potato-saintess was indeed something strange. I couldn’t help but worship the insight of the National Highway Manager.

“Saintess, I’m sorry, but you might have to be exterminated from now on…”

[But paradoxically, because of that, I think I’ve finally come to love humans.]

What?

[I hated humans because I thought I was the same species as them.]

[Now that we’re of different species, I can look at them objectively and warmly. Like looking at a cute animal.]

[Doctor Jang. You probably see me as something strange. But would it be dangerous even if I’ve turned into something strange? After all, I’m just a potato.]

[A potato that loves humans.]

“…”

[I’m very happy right now.]

“My goodness.”

I held my head in my hands.

Right. If the saintess had fallen and become the ‘Executioner’ she should have been exterminated immediately, but the ‘robot-potato-saintess’ was… honestly, not particularly threatening!

The saintess in that form was too weak. It was obvious that the saintess’s combat power was limited without being able to use aura. Even weak fighters like Sim Aryeon or Noh Doha could probably take her down in one shot.

Most of all, I didn’t want to exterminate the saintess, who had begun to realize her love for humanity for the first time in history.

[And there’s something I’d like to ask you, Doctor Jang.]

“What is it…?”

[Please dice me into cubes.]

What kind of nonsense is this?

[Doctor Jang, do you know how potatoes reproduce?]

“…You cut them into pieces and plant them, making sure each piece has an eye.”

[Yes. That’s one of the ways potatoes reproduce. This is just my hypothesis, but I think I might be able to ‘increase my duplicates’ in the same way.]

Alright.

This is getting seriously strange.

“I really want to argue against you on many levels, but let me ask this first. Why do you want to increase your duplicates?”

[It’s a simple reason.]

The potato-saintess said.

[The number of awakened ones who are seeking psychological counseling from me is increasing at an alarming rate.]

[Even though I’m using time-stop to manage somehow, it’s honestly becoming more and more difficult to focus on each individual. Even when I was talking to Tang Seorin just now, I was actually counseling six people simultaneously.]

“Ah.”

[Besides, I’m not just performing as the ‘Understanding of Agony,’ but also other Constellations. I’m overloaded with work.]

[So I think it would be much more efficient to create more duplicates and divide the roles among them.]

“…”

It made… sense!

The robot-potato-saintess creaked as she stood up cross-legged. Then, she placed her hand on my shoulder with a slender mechanical arm.

[I tried to dice myself, but even for me, the act of cutting my own body into pieces was a bit too much.]

[I’d like to entrust this task to you, Doctor Jang.]

[Even in this form, can I still be considered your comrade, Doctor Jang?]

This person, using a cheat code so slyly!

“Saintess, if I dice you and it ends up killing you…”

[Don’t worry. Even if such a tragedy were to happen, I would never blame you, Doctor Jang.]

With her saying it like that, what else could I do?

I drew my sword and approached the robot-potato-saintess. Then, carefully, I made incisions and diced her into pieces.

“Does it hurt?”

[No. It doesn’t hurt at all. I do feel a somewhat strange sensation, but other than that, there’s no problem.]

“That’s a relief…”

Even as I said this, I wasn’t sure. Was this really a relief? I couldn’t tell.

I took the seed potato pieces and planted them individually in the greenhouse. The soil quality was assured, as the greenhouse had been trampled by the Sword Princess.

A few days later.

The potatoes were successfully cultivated in the greenhouse. I put the potatoes in a basket and brought them to Noh Doha.

“…”

Noh Doha looked at me silently.

Then, also without a word, he made robots for the remaining potatoes as well.

Creak, creak.

A squadron of five robot-potato-saintesses turned to us and sang in chorus.

[Thank] [You] [Doctor Jang] [And Noh Doha] [I’m not sure] [Which of these] [Is the true me] [No, actually] [All of ‘me’] [Are the real me]

“…”

“…”

Noh Doha glanced at me.

“So, you’re saying… you’re not an anomaly…?”

It was summer.

[Translator – Jjescus]

[Proofreader – Gun]