There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns. - Chapter 169: There be Dragons and, worse, Mushrooms

Noland’s life had not been easy since leaving Durence.

The tax system of Verluan was not a simple beast, and it only grew more aggravating once Dungeons got involved.

There was a saying amongst the bankers and taxmen about Dungeons.

‘Trying to fit a Dungeon into an existing tax code is like asking for a task that never ends.’

However, it was not the Dungeon’s fault entirely that Noland was developing gray hairs by the minute.

“So, my father would happily accept you into the Silver-Ranked club; very affluent. It’s a fair trade,” some youngun with slicked back hair and a winning smile told Noland, who was trying to eat his greasy sandwich in peace.

“Psh, you mean the bottom of Silver-Ranked, you’re basically a bronzer,” another argued as he tried to flash his credentials.

‘Ignore them, and they’ll go away,’ Noland repeated like a mantra to himself.

The Dungeon report he made was finally making its rounds in the paperwork ecosystem. Aside from that, knowing that Princess Serma herself was going to make a Royal Challenge in Durence made the value of that Dungeon skyrocket.

There were also other factors in play. Someone with a lot of cash was setting up to buy all the land around Durence. The amount was monstrous, but the tender was legal, and that was all Noland cared about.

It did mean that Noland was in a position to shoot up from his bronze-tier membership as a member of the bank to someone with actual power. Noland honestly didn’t want it.

He liked wandering the country and discussing business with people. Making sure the country wasn’t being drained by the ill-intentioned while also making sure the people got their due rewards.

A simple overtax being fixed could make someone’s month.

Those with aspirations were jockeying to take the Dungeon off Noland’s hands, but he was uneasy with the idea.

These were the sort of young bucks to invest too quickly in adventure guild halls or hotels or other such nonsense.

The noise quieted down, and the crowd of wannabe bigshots vanished as someone took the seat opposite of Noland.

“Ah, to be young,” said a smooth voice, and Noland tried to swallow his sandwich but was having trouble due to his shock at who was across from him.

“Sir Owner,” he tried to bow and not splutter crumbs all over the man’s suit, which looked to be something he picked up off a charity sale rack.

The man had almost straight silver hair from being nearly seventy, but despite that, he had the posture and energy of someone half his age. The clear green eyes were assessing, but not judgmental.

Noland had never seen the man up close since he was always surrounded by people needing numerous snap judgment calls on investments.

“You may call me Ned,” the owner said kindly, and Noland felt like he could no sooner do that than spontaneously fly.

Ned Happy was the sort of man who seemed to wear ‘cheap but comfortable’ to a personal level.

The man had revolutionized Verluan’s banking system since before Noland had even been born. Some say that before Ned and his brother, the kingdom’s taxation was predatory beyond belief. It was one of the many civil wars between the kingdom’s previous king and queen. The Pauper King who fought for rights, and the Gold Queen who said ‘let them eat grilled pork.’

“Sir, what can I do for you?” Noland asked, feeling a pit of dread in his stomach. This felt bigger than he was.

“Durence… you’ll be residing there in the future?” Ned asked as he laid his hands in his lap. Nearby, a crowd of people wanted to draw closer to overhear, but no one committed crimes in the bank.

Money talked, and it talked to Ned Happy.

“Yes sir, I leave in a few days,” Noland said and watched as Ned smiled at something, a private joke, perhaps?

“Would you be willing to do me two favors that fall outside your responsibilities?” Ned asked, and Noland blinked twice before his brain made him nod slowly.

Ned Happy didn’t do ‘favors’ as far as Noland knew. The favors Ned could grant could keep smaller kingdoms afloat.

“Could you tell my brother, if he’s awake, that the Fun Island investment remains strong, but could use a healthy injection of resources?” Ned said, and Noland didn’t get anything about that statement.

Fun Island sounded familiar…but it escaped Noland’s grasp for now.

“And the second?” Noland asked, almost not sure if he wanted to hear the next request.

Something occurred to him, and he blurted out something that should have gotten him fired.

“Wait, didn’t your brother die when he cut off the Gold Queen’s hand when she…used…” he trailed off, and he could feel himself going pale at his outburst.

“He died, yes, but he had fantastic life insurance. No sooner did he die than he popped out of his own skin as a prattling bag of bones. I was furious because I opted for the spectral ghost package, but I didn’t think about the ability to wear size zero suits. I could save so much money,” he sighed.

Noland supposed being a spirit bound to the bank as its eternal owner might have a few issues, but saving money on asking a necromancer to make spirit clothes never occurred to Noland.

“But I need you to get the last twenty years worth of paperwork from the local banker in Durence. I recruited him when he proved to be good at sniffing out blood money, but even I have to say that twenty years is long overdue for a report,” Ned huffed aloud.

“I don’t remember a bank in Durence…” Noland muttered to himself.

“Not surprising, the locals don’t trust the establishment, so to speak. I dare say Von had very little to do in his time there,” Ned explained, and Noland raised an eyebrow at this.

“Forgive me for my lack of insight, but then, why have a bank there at all?” Noland questioned.

Ned smiled.

“Because a town must have a bank,” he said, and that told Noland nothing.

“Even if the bank serves no one other purpose than to deposit taxes?” Noland asked, just to be sure he understood.

“What do you know of the Gray?” Ned asked suddenly, and Noland blinked at the change of subject.

“Not much other than common knowledge. When someone lives in a Mana-barren space for a time, their soul or core withers. They become shells of their former selves, only able to repeat familiar patterns or display their most basic of traits,” Noland reported; that sounded right in his head.

“Quite, it’s a bit deeper than that. It’s death, the visible show of the death of self. Most people can live five, maybe six years in such a state before they crumble, but Durence survived nearly twenty; do you know how?” he questioned, and Noland wasn’t about to say he knew anything about death other than funeral costs.

“They created a symbol, a tomb, a near-sentient artificial afterlife that suspended them from breaking down. My lad, Durence is not simply a town,” Ned said, his green eyes twinkling.

“It’s a state of being.”

“And a town needs a bank to play its part,” Noland muttered.

He really had a bad feeling about this town now.

—

Nu knew something wasn’t right with these Seahagins the moment they invaded the Dungeon once more with greedy clicks, tearing all they could to put into bags. It reminded him of something, but he couldn’t quite place it as they slaughtered their way through the Trinity’s first floor with ease.

“They come again,” Herb said, and Carnage let out a snarl.

The first floor was a simple affair, and even the newly upgraded Clover Foxes only slowed a few of the Seahagins down slightly. They had tremendous vitality and strength.

They cleaved the massive Bone-Wolf boss; a giant lupin with flowers and vines growing out its exposed ribcage. Nu liked it on principle, but he couldn’t help but think that Delta would have given it a cool werewolf transformation or the ability to grow minions.

“What do they want?” Nu asked the Trinity as Doctor continued to harvest samples of the Dungeon’s rarer supplies to see what could possibly be done for upgrades.

“Us.” Florida said simply.

“Dungeon cores?” Doctor asked curiously.

“There was another on this island. A Dungeon of earth and golems. They took its core and used it to widen the crack,” Herb explained softly.

“At the risk of sounding like a broken record… the ‘crack’?” Nu asked as the invaders moved through the second floor. Unlike Delta’s Dungeon, these floors were more of a slow transition. The second wasn’t that different from the first, other than turning from grass and forest to something closer to marshland.

“The pool to the deep. A place where seeds grow out of control. Darkness and void.” Herb explained.

“Death and destruction. The coming predator,” Carnage added.

“The end.” Florida finished.

Nu snapped his attention back to the Seahagin and did his best to peer into them, seeing their seeds were engorged, dark and pulsating.

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” Nu said tightly and vanished.

Seconds later, he dropped a startled Mharia onto the Dungeon floor.

“Too… little mana…” the fairy wheezed.

“We have nearly 19 floors,” Herb said, confused, and Mharia glared at the core.

“Those are rookie numbers!” she accused, looking exhausted.

“Who are they?” Nu asked, steering them back onto the subject, and Mharia closed her eyes, allowing Nu to guide her senses. It didn’t take long for her to also feel the Seahagin.

“Fish people, if I had to guess,” the fairy-lich muttered.

“They’re part of your cult,” Nu said with a terse tone, and Mharia scoffed.

“First, don’t be cult-ist. Not all cult people know one another. Second, I wouldn’t let these losers into my group. They smell worse than death,” Mharia said with a scoff.

“They worship the Silence,” Doctor interrupted.

“That’s like saying ‘oh no, they worship the sun!.’ My group, even with the purest form of the Lost Brother, was far from the first or last of its kind to stare into the void and see glory in the dark,” Mharia said stiffly.

“But you could use some lingo to confuse them or make them stop?” Nu asked, trying to contain his hope that he could have a group of murder fish people serving him and Trinity. Mharia looked like she wasn’t getting paid enough for this and wanted to object but sighed.

“I was getting bored of watching Fairplay run into the same traps over and over anyway,” she muttered before straightening up.

“Okay, which Echo are they worshiping?” she asked the room, and blank faces looked back at her. Nu felt the word ‘itch’ in his mind.

Mharia rubbed the bridge of her fake nose. Her skin was illusionary at best.

“I can’t believe you and Delta got this far,” she announced before clearing her throat, sounding bright and bubbly like she was about to explain a safety procedure on fast transport.

“When the Lost Brother fell into the void; it created what were known as Echoes. They’re all the ‘Brother,’ but each one was a distortion, a form that wasn’t ‘wrong’ but wasn’t true either. The closest Echo to have existed was my Sun; the one whom I serve… served,” Mharia said, looking a little sad at her own words before she perked up.

“Why not pray directly to the core being?” Doctor asked, fascinated. Mharia smiled darkly.

“Might as well pray to a storm or a landslide. The Lost Brother is not ready to regain himself, so his Echoes serve as intermediaries. Each one has a slightly different ‘flavor.’ Some are easier to connect to if they match your own point of view. A Sun for all the occasions,” Mharia giggled.

“So, this cult of fish people serve the same god, but their version could enjoy a hotdog over a burger,” Nu said, wondering why this was bugging him. Echoes… something about that word triggered something in his system.

“More like they were vicious and dined on combat until their seeds sprouted, and as they had offspring, those seeds refined themselves until one of them was ripe enough to allow an Echo to get a foothold in this world. It’s not so different from how the ‘Sister’ allowed gods to be called through stars,” Mharia said, sounding bored now.

“I don’t think those gods caused as much suffering as these echoes,” Nu said, and Mhara’s calm expression turned furious.

“Do not speak such garbage around me. The ‘gods’ summoned can be as destructive as any Echo twisted through these fools,” Mharia snarled, her eyes flashing. She turned around.

“The Little Brother was meant to be here; those invaders were let in because the child-gods didn’t care to think about consequences,” the fairy said finally, looking down.

“If too many Echoes exist at the same time in this world, they seek each other and feast until a new being arises from their corpses,” Nu said slowly, his voice distant, and Mharia snapped her head around, surprise clear on her face.

“Curious knowledge for a System pop-up box,” she said slowly, and Nu didn’t look at her.

“Just information in the system if you know where to look,” he said stiffly, a bold-faced lie. He had no clue where that information had come from.

“Do you know the different Echoes?” Doctor said after a moment, and Mharia looked at him coolly and nodded.

“I know some. A lot can happen in the shadows, so many could be gone or evolved. My Sun, you know where he is, of course. There was the great Wyrm Eral, which was contained by the great seal far away. I heard Iustus and Lusus were caught in the middle of eating each other and contained. There’s dozens more, but you can’t expect me to have kept up with them,” Mharia snorted.

“Seahagans invading.” Carnage interrupted, annoyed. They had made it to the fourth floor already and only had two injured of their team of twenty.

“I can deal with them?” Mharia offered, checking out her nails, and Trinity glowed.

“Unnatural aid we need not, its temperament as foul as its form,” they spoke as one. Mharia turned to Doctor, then looked back at the Core in the skull.

“That’s harsh, he’s just a gargoyle,” she said, mock-offended.

“Mharia, go. Repel them, but do not kill for now. Trinity needs to learn to be a killing machine with my guidance,” Nu instructed, and the Lich’s eyes lit up.

“Ohhh can I help? I love murder!” she said, bouncing in the air with excitement.

“Isn’t that how you ended up in this predicament in the first place?” Doctor asked casually.

“I’m a creature of habit,” Mharia said as she floated off down the hallway.

“Bloody habits.”

—

“Okay, play it cool. Don’t panic. Just be natural and easy going, but not so relaxed that you come off as rude, and definitely don’t mention the bees or Pygmies just yet,” Delta said to Alpha, who slowly blinked at her as the strange woman continued to hug the wall along the tunnel, stopping every once in a while to remark on the increasing ‘Dungeon Alterations.’

“Be cool, but relaxed, but polite, but vague,” Alpha repeated firmly.

“Yes, no! Be yourself! You’re amazing, but don’t panic! Human interaction isn’t scary or hard!” Delta said quickly, beginning to puff out her cheeks in a panic.

Alpha was getting mixed messages but decided he got the gist of it.

“Welcome,” he called, and the lady, Yattina, turned to him. Her human eye looked dilated, and her magic eye was rolling in her head in excitement.

“Don’t mind me, I was… you offered me a tour, correct? Do I have your word on protection? Do I need to sign in blood somewhere?” the woman asked rapidly, a pen and notebook ready in her hands.

Alpha was stuck between the hyperventilating Delta and the intense Yattina. Lucky him…

“Why blood?” he asked, confused. He had a gold-grade Ritual level skill, but he didn’t know so much why as the hows of it.

“Blood carries residue of one’s core. It can be used as an intrinsic link to that person. That’s how contracts of all kinds work!” she gushed.

“But you don’t have a seed,” he said, and she wrote that down. Delta gaped at him, and Alpha shrugged. It was true.

“Seed? Not an incorrect name for it. Dungeons are biological factories and creators, so for them, would it be truer to say it’s a seed rather than an expanding core?” she wrote down. Slowly, her pen stopped.

“So, you know I don’t have a core and thus aren’t contract-bound. Do you want me to leave? I did technically cheat,” she said slowly.

“I like that kind of cheating, being clever, but not being rude about it! She’s even apologetic about it!” Delta waved her hands.

“It’s fine,” Alpha translated.

“Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself earlier. Yattina Halenuo Congord Flimina, at your service. I work for Fairplay as the Captain of their 5th research division,” she bowed, then looked bothered by something.

“I didn’t bring a second tribute,” she muttered.

“Twenty-four hour period,” Delta waved off. Alpha told her not to worry about it and looked uncomfortable as he gestured to the tunnel.

“Welcome to the grand tour of Delta’s second floor. You’re currently entering from the outside using Quee’s Tunnel to the second floor,” he said, voice monotone, but despite his nerves, Yattina was eating it up, writing everything down.

She raised her hand, and Alpha felt a weird flush. He was the one that was supposed to be raising his hand for questions.

This felt weird.

“Yes?” he said, and she had her pen poised.

“How old is this tunnel? What is the etymology of the word ‘Quee’? Is it an event or a person?” she questioned.

“Not that old. Derived from the shortening of ‘queen,’ and Quee is a person,” Alpha said quickly and shuffled down the tunnel.

“More energy!” Delta encouraged him. Alpha picked up his pace.

“I didn’t mean actual energy! Be enthusiastic!” Delta corrected herself. Enthusiasm, he could do that! For Delta, he could try!

He turned, and Yattina nearly fell over her own feet skidding to a stop. They stared at each other, and actual anxiety set into Alpha, and he spoke on autopilot.

“Delta’s Dungeon has over 1000 unique mushrooms and pots,” he blurted out.

“NO!” Delta screeched.

“Wow,” Yattina wrote down.

“Alpha I don’t have…1000… mushrooms,” Delta said and trailed off as if she just remembered something that she dearly wished she hadn’t.

“Be right back, don’t panic!” she said, panicking as she vanished.

—

Delta appeared in the Secret Garden between floors. She hadn’t been back here since Hero and the Black Hole piggles. She had an upgrade that meant it just did its own thing, and since it was a sort of error room, the system didn’t have proper notifications for it.

Hero looked up, looking casual as he read a book from the third floor.

“Mother,” he said warmly.

“Hero, have there been any weird things going on here?” she asked seriously, and the Raid Boss blinked.

“Define ‘weird’?” he asked slowly.

A chain of mushrooms slithered past, the head mushrooms dark with a flickering tongue. Its middle looked engorged as a flock of mushrooms made of cheese ran for their lives. The snake went past a vine, and the thing peeled open to spray a mucus-like web covered in spiky mushrooms at every other knot. It dragged the snake into its fanged mouth and turned back to normal.

There was a crack of thunder, and little adorable red mushrooms began to fall from the sky. Seconds later, the fungi erupted in needles and exploded like shrapnel grenades. They bounced off Hero without any effect.

“Is this the worst of it?” Delta asked, licking her lips with abject horror. Hero looked over to the side, where a massive eye stared at Delta. It had roses on its head and a ridge of black Gutrots traveling down its back like a mane.

The giant bipedal lizard let out a scream that shook the secret garden.

“GOD-” Delta screamed as she dove for cover. The thing stomped forward, and the large ridge she thought was a mountain shifted and tore into it, devouring the Rotrex in three bites.

The massive dragon covered in Starshrooms glowed like a celestial deity and roared in victory.

“Weird? Nothing weird here,” Hero said, going back to his book.

“How… do I have a dragon?” she demanded of the system.

Critter: Jungle gecko has been bred with Gutrot shroom! 324 repetitions occurred until a rare mutation occurred.

Mutated Jungle Monitor was bred with troll samples until a successful result occurred.

Deadly Jungle King was crossbred with collected Dragon bones absorbed from defeating Lich Mharia. Only 0.4% chance of a successful subject. Experiment succeeded after 10 tries.

Spore Dragon was bred with all possible types of Mushrooms. After testing weakness and strengths, Star Shrooms were selected.

Celestial Spore Dragon: Critter?

A massive beast of magic and destructive force. Its breath can cause instant spores to form on anyone unlucky enough to be in its range. Its blood is the most toxic thing to exist on this side of the world. If handled correctly, it is also the strongest antidote around.

Its only weakness was its limited ranged options, which was corrected with Starlight Mushrooms, which allows it to perform aerial bombardments with lasers from nearly three hundred feet away.

“I don’t think I should know, but how much does this cost in DP for my first purchase?” she asked, voice faint.

First creation is free! All future purchases will cost 30,000 DP then all further attempts 500,000 mana.

“I didn’t plan this,” she told Hero, who simply turned his book to the next page.

“I know,” he said warmly. She eyed the book and saw it was titled ‘how to exercise your dragon.’

“Nu can’t know about him,” she said, burying her face into her hands.

“It’s fine, the dragon’s not done cooking,” Hero explained, and Delta paused in her groaning. Slowly, she looked up to stare at him. Hero turned another page, nonplussed.

“Explain,” she asked, voice utterly calm.

A box appeared.

Celestial Spore Dragon is being combined with a Black Hole Piggle. Process will take fourteen more days. Expected result: Death Star Dragon.

“Why is the cancel button grayed out?” Delta demanded as she jabbed the screen with a scream.

“A lot of the system is glitching out,” Hero said as he looked around. The dragon behind him went back to sleep.

“I just need to make it do something else so it doesn’t keep evolving it further,” she said, trying to remain cool as the two high-end raid monsters relaxed nearby.

She smashed buttons and dragged icons over and away from the dragon. After a few seconds, a second slot began to tick as she accidentally began a second combination.

“I can fix this!” she cried.

She dragged the screen out as if to cancel it and the screen expanded three more empty slots.

“I’d quit while you’re ahead,” Hero warned, but he seemed amused to watch the chaos.

“If I just fill it with orders, it’ll lag and stop,” Delta whispered in blind panic.

Like, a Mushroom and a spider! A Piggle and a fish! A Piggle and a skeleton! A skeleton and a spider! This should really slow it down! A Blackhole Piggle and Bob! She slid down the screen, sweating and breathing hard.

“What have I done?” she asked aloud.

A new screen popped up.

Due to creative design and adding over 30 new monster designs to the system, you have gained a reward!

All current and future monster creation times are reduced by 10%!

“I am the architect of my own demise,” she said with a hollow tone.

“But you’re really good at it,” Hero complimented her, and Delta curled into a ball of shame.

—

Monster designs are now being shared on the Delta Network!

—

“And this gate was designed to keep people out. Its purpose is to remain closed against any intruder’s efforts to open it,” Alpha explained, and nearby, Quee drooled on himself as he snored.

Yattina was sketching the gate with glee and joy.

“Amazing!” she gushed. Alpha felt like he was padding an essay.

“The gate is made of metal, as wood is too easy to break,” he went on.

At least the science lady was having fun.

—

“Go to hell! I’m saving my captain,” Lim told the jerkoff, Allatory.

“You’re one boy versus an unknown Dungeon. Yattina’s choices are her own, but you can’t seriously think you can make it further than anyone else?” Allatory said, and Lim looked smug.

“I did what my captain would do and researched my options. I have a guide,” he said and gestured to a boy who yakked the ear off a sour-faced girl with a book clasped to her chest. When the boy looked away, the girl smiled gently at him.

“The leaderboard members of Team Holy Pot. They agreed to help me… cause I asked,” he admitted.

“Then go. I am not your captain,” Allatory said with no emotion.

“I’ll give you permission to take an advance scout pack. Bring her home,” he said and turned on his heel to walk back into the Fairplay tents.

Lim didn’t need his permission for that.