There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns. - Chapter 191: Karpe Diem

Mas found Alpha to be a very odd boy.

Mas watched as Alpha stoically, and repeatedly, corrected Princess Serma’s assertions or presumptions about the town or the Dungeon. Mas was rather good at sensing hostility under words since most people had either ignored him or spoke to him like he was a wild beast.

Mas didn’t sense anything from Alpha. Not hostility or annoyance or even smugness. Just a cool and firm aura of matter-of-factness.

“Banks can cause some to go into debt but that does not mean they’re run by ‘blood-thirsty monsters’,” Serma said with a scoff. Alpha stared at her outside the small bank. Alpha reached over and rang the bell where the door was opened by a haggard looking young woman.

“No more dancers, no more surprise axe murderers, and no solicitors!” she snarled.

“I don’t dance or use axs as my main weapon. I am unsure if I am now a solicitor. Miss Velki, who runs this bank?” Alpha asked politely. The woman let out a growl as if the sun was agitating her.

“A blood-sucking son of a goat who could find alcohol or drugs in a desert who is currently asleep in his coffin until I feel mentally prepared to remove the stake I plunged into his heart,” the girl said seriously

“You murdered someone?” Serma asked, sounding both aghast and, weirdly, interested. Velki turned to the princess with a wry smile.

“I wish. Trust me. I regret ever accepting this apprenticeship,” she grumbled then sighed.

“No, even if I turn him to ash or chop his head off, I can’t kill him. He’s like a super vampire. He told me if I wanted to kill him I would need a weapon forged out of a ‘star going supernova’ soaked in ‘hella amount’ of saint tears and then sprinkled with ‘luck’,” the girl explained and Mas’ mind raced as he imagined such an amazing sword.

It would go ‘phrosh’ and ‘hyash’ as he swung it!

“Vampires generally die in sunlight,” Serma said, shooting Alpha a look as if expecting to see smugness but Alpha was merely nodding along with Velki.

“Mr Von doesn’t die in sunlight. He cooks and calls the sun rude names,” Velki said before there was a groan from deep within the bank.

“Velki…” an inhuman voice rasped. The hair on Mas’ body stood up in alarm as the voice made some primal part of him squirm.

“Yes?” Velki called back, bored.

“Get the hammer, this stake hasn’t made me feel like a bride on her wedding night being nailed violently to the wall yet,” the man complained. The girl turned to the group.

“Would you like to make a deposit?” she asked and Serma backed away.

“No thank you, we must move on,” she said with a forced smile and Mas silently was happy that she wasn’t that curious.

Mas turned away and looked around suddenly.

Where was Lorsa?

—

Von stared up at the ceiling of his room, the three foot stake made of holly wood burning a hole in his chest with enough purifying power to make a bishop look sleeazy in comparison.

“I do believe I smell something old and manipulative with a streak of hypocrisy,” he called to the dark room and from a shadowed corner, the slim form of Lorsa appeared with a frown.

“Your tongue has gotten glib in the years, Beast,” she said and Von rose, sliding off the stake that was pierced through the coffin and into the stone floor below. His wounds healed almost instantly.

“My tongue has become many things, but that’s neither here nor there. Lustre, how have you been?” Von asked as he poured himself a glass of white wine. He turned the bottle over and read this particular vintage was sourced from Mermaids of the south.

The taste was absolutely shattering.

“Lorsa. My name is Lorsa now,” the woman said and Von shrugged one shoulder.

“Then you can call me Aunt Flo because when I’m around, blood always-” he said and the next thing he knew he was on the ground and his fingers were being rearranged messily.

The pain was liberating. This first serious jolt of the sensation that he had in years. Lustre- Lorsa‘s mana was as brutal as always.

“I already find you detestable as an existence. A blight on the land so do not push me, failure,” Lorsa said coldly and Von grimaced.

“And there goes my happy mood,” he sighed and stood up, pushing his fingers back into place once he collected a few bone shards out of the floor. Von brushed his hair back as he poured himself more wine.

“You know that a refusal to perish is not a crime. The desire to live is a strong one,” he reminded and Lorsa just stared at him.

“You murdered my daughter,” she noted. Von snorted and gave her a look.

“Your daughter flubbed the basic Dungeon lessons. I didn’t murder her. I survived her,” he corrected. Lorsa let out a controlled exhale.

“Besides back then, you were all ‘she was of my existence’. You were more annoyed than upset,” Von recalled and Lorsa looked away, giving a slight hint of shame. Von blinked then suddenly felt playful once more.

“You’ve changed,” he said, voice a purr of amazement.

“I’ve grown, and recalling my first born… causes me pain. I wasn’t smart enough back then to really understand or even care but watching over the humans, being their guard, their assassin, their friend… I did change,” Lorsa admitted and Von was loving this.

What else was new with her? Did she gossip? Did she have a harem of nobles? Did she knit?!

“And what? You’ve come to kill me? End my existence?” he asked and Lorsa shook her head and that was a little disappointing. Von was far past his ‘end it all’ phase but he did love a good scuffle with a beautiful monster.

“I was… hasty in my reaction but I do not regret what I did,” she said stiffly.

Von batted his dark eyelashes.

“Don’t be coy, you can say ‘I created vampires in a fit of rage’. I don’t mind,” he said innocently.

“I created you, nothing more,” she said, defensively as she crossed her arms.

“And I copied what you did and made more then more… and well, a lot more,” Von grinned.

“Even down to cursing them with their crippling weakness to the Sister’s mana. You can survive it, but few others can,” Lorsa pointed out and Von had the decency to look embarrassed.

“It’s a complicated process, you did it far better than I,” he said then beamed.

“Enough, I didn’t come here to remember the good times. I don’t care for you or your first born you ‘blessed’ with your name. You are the failure who couldn’t even be a first floor boss to my daughter,” Lorsa warned and her expression darkened.

“What about that small issue of my little one, by a generation or two, Sarah Von Altnis killing Archmages to-” Von began and Lorsa held up a hand.

“Your cursed existence will be important in fighting the wrongness that echoes. I’ve come to ensure you haven’t forgotten that,” she said and Von thought if he should insist they talk about Sarah and her little thing of taking down Archmages when he decided he was already distracted by her words.

Ah well, it wasn’t like there were any archmages in town.

—

“…”

“And you’re just adorable!” the innkeeper gushed as he stared down at the pale girl with a frilly petticoat and hat.

“…” Sarah Von Altnis stared at the innkeeper with glowing red eyes.

“Mistress! I have paid all the other residents to sleep in the barn! We have the whole thing to ourselves!” the mechanical creaking of the tall woman entered the inn with a smile.

Sarah tapped her side twice.

“No, real money. Not ‘the ultimate currency that is death’. I promise!” the maid beamed.

“Would you like the best room in the inn? It has beautiful arch windows and a balcony. The sunrises are to die for” the innkeeper offered.

“Would you like to die?” the maid said back in the same jovial tone. Sarah tapped her side rapidly.

“…This mistress is deathly ill to sunlight. Gives her a rash,” Sarah heard Snug say with a sulky tone, the weapons in her body deactivating.

“Oh dear, is it a disease?” the innkeeper asked. Sarah was getting exhausted at this pointless social talk.

“Yes! It’s Vamp-” Snug began then Sarah tapped her hard.

“Vamp…Vampickles blood deficiency,” Snug said quickly. The innkeeper looked between them and Sarah could hear his neck creak as he moved it. He seemed to be getting ready to yell or inhale quickly. Sarah winced… she really didn’t want to run away in the night if the man panicked.

“Oh, you’re a vampire! You should have said so! We have excellent basement rooms and coffins made from the best yew trees. We keep a donation of blood chilling and we can deliver it in the afternoon when you wake up. The price is very affordable,” the innkeeper said with a pleasant tone.

Sarah opened her mouth, even knowing her voice wouldn’t work.

“Aren’t you afraid?” Snug asked in her stead.

“Oh stars no. This isn’t 200 years ago where we grabbed pitchforks and got lit torches going. We’re very progressive to all sorts around here. Just the other day, a forest yeti tried to book in while pretending to be a hairy grandmother. It’s just horrible if you all feel the need to hide,” the innkeeper said with a shake of his head.

Sarah tried not to feel weird but, she didn’t know how to handle this! People were being nice and weren’t chasing her away.

“Sir, the Miss has recently awakened after a long nap. Could you…” she heard Snug whisper.

“Oh…. oh of course! Please, Mistress Vampire! I beg of thee to take the room at your behest and spare my life!” the innkeeper said and Sarah straightened up.

She could work with this!

Sarah coldly waved her hand to dismiss the man’s pleading and moved along the hallway dramatically, leaving mist in her wake.

“She’s heading towards the cleaning closet,” the innkeeper said softly.

“It’s fine, she’ll turn around when she hits a wall,” Snug said brightly, that traitor.

The cleaning closet was just where Sarah p-plotted her schemes, that was all!

—

Von was sure Lorsa could handle Sarah if she turned up.

He was more worried about that toy he made her a long time ago. That thing was vicious. What was it called?

‘Snagle Butcher’?

Sarah had her own name for it but all the same… terrifying doll.

“I’m here no? I stayed in this place when even it could have turned me into nothing but a husk. Vampires feed off people’s mana and no one around here had much in the later years,” Von pointed out and Lorsa could only nod in acceptance at that statement.

“There were children,” she said and Von gave her a flat look.

“Yes because necking with a ten-year old makes me look just perfect to a town of monsters and legendary killers,” he said dryly. They were about to speak when a rat scurried along the wall only to be grabbed by a filthy hand with long yellow nails that dragged it into the shadows to commence in battle.

Von and Lorsa stared.

“What was that-” Lorsa began then there was a crash and a raspy voice sounded out.

“100 Rats are mine. Are you the secret boss?” a bloodshot eye stared through the wall. Von made dismissive motions.

“Your secret boss is in another castle,” he said dismissively, but Von couldn’t seem to help a tiny bit of nervousness, and the eye vanished.

“Who was that? Lorsa asked and Von sipped his wine.

“Tommy old boy. He was a right cad in the day,” he said and Lorsa frowned as she neared the hole.

“I don’t recall any Tommy in Durence-,” she cut herself off and made a choking noise. The woman went pale then tried to contain a sudden hatred.

“You don’t mean ‘Thomas Darkblade’?” she asked, snapping her head to look at Von who had chucked the glass and was now downing the wine bottle by its neck.

She pressed her face to the wall to listen. Faintly in the distance, she heard him.

“Have at you! Your spider legs of +8 are impressive but my fingers of +10 allows me to eat you with a +10 modifier to biting attacks!” the man cackled, droning on in what on the surface was madness but underneath laid something much worse. She listened for a moment longer.

“Cad! Your web of trickery has stunned me for 5 seconds! I resist your fear ability with my save roll!” he cried and seemed to slam his head into a cave wall.

Von walked past with something that looked like a bucket of still warm melted candle wax. The vampire began to patch the hole with a whistle.

“We can’t leave him there. He’s… you know what he is!” she said and Von just smiled.

“Of course we can and I do,” he said easily.

“He invited himself to the town and he drove everyone up the wall. It’s safer for us all if he remains in the ‘sewers of flood switches and crate pushing’,” he said and Lorsa looked pained.

“Water levels. They never work out,” she sighed.

Von didn’t know about that. He had explored many water levels with great pleasure.

—

“Water levels can be fun,” Delta explained to the teacher who repeated it for his class.

“Blasphemy!” Grim cried. Mr Jones shot him a look.

“In the Demon World, that is praise,” he said and Grim looked horrified. Delta shook her head as they headed for her entrance. The quick tour of the floor had been very educational and Mr Jones, that handsome man who was really a mind-breaking demon looked… content like he had eaten a massive meal.

“In the demon world, a curse would be ‘your mother is coming’,” Ruli added casually.

“That’s just your mother, Ruli,” Mr Jones mumbled.

“Well, it’s her own fault for slaughtering a quarter of Dad’s army before kicking in his throne doors covered in blood. It was basically asking the man to fall in love,” Ruli scoffed.

“Did they kiss at first sight?” Deo asked, looking enchanted.

Ruli pursed her lips.

“Dad kissed the floor a lot and the walls… and I heard he even kissed the river of lava nearby,” she said vaguely.

“Why did they break up?” Poppy asked in a soft voice. Ruli blinked as everyone was focused on her now, interested.

“They didn’t date long enough to-” Ruli began then Deo’s face began to fall.

“Mother was a free spirit and dad loved parties and politics. They separated amicably,” she said quickly. Mr Jones shot her a look.

“Remind me to brush up the ‘five years of darkness’ and ‘the demon king unable to get out of bed’ in the demon world for history class,” he said.

“He ate a lot of chocolate in bed and screamed at romantic theater plays a lot,” she admitted, recalling the scene with a grimace.

Delta wanted to ask if her dad had an autobiography to read. She imagined it would be called ‘The one that got away’ or ‘In love, In hell’ or something. It would be so juicy and filled with stories.

“I swear, next time you all come. I’ll have my water level fixed!” she promised and Ruli looked excited.

“More fish?” she asked and Delta blinked.

She hadn’t shown Ruli the upgraded Fourth Floor yet!

That was going to be awesome.

“Way more fish,” she promised, making Ruli pump her fist and rush everyone out so Delta could get to work.

Everyone bid her farewell, even if they all couldn’t exactly see her.

Delta grinned. Without the fear of the hell portal opening or Fairplay coming in tonight, she had plenty of time to brush up her ‘Fishgeon’.

“So much to do, so little time,” Nu said and the screen looked rather relaxed. That was suspicious.

“Nu, where have you been?” she asked as the screen just wandered off with an amused expression.

—

The Trinity Dungeon

“Proposal is for exploding frogs with internal acid.” Florida heaved.

“Interesting design, but exploding tulips could work,” Herb argued.

“Living consuming acid pile,” Carnage hissed.

They looked to the empty seat of Nu. There was only a mana-sign left that changed its wording every few minutes. It currently read as ‘I agree with Herb’ but seconds later it switched to ‘I agree with Carnage’.

“THE ACID OOZE IS ACCEPTABLE!” Carnage howled.

“UNACCECPTABLE!” Herb frothed in rage.

“All will become mold,” Florida said sagely.

—

“Nothing serious. I just set up a proxy to do all my work for me in a good enough manner,” Nu explained with out providing details. Delta narrowed her eyes but didn’t ask. Nu was allowed secrets while doing his own thing, she supposed.

“Hey Nu, what comes after summer?” she asked as Nu turned to her.

“Autumn,” he said as Delta shoved him into Waddles’ lake with a smile.

“Fall!”

“Water doesn’t actually affect me,” the screen said as he floated back up.

“Yeah, yeah,” Delta grinned and nudged Nu.

“Why did the fish not play the piano?” she asked and Nu made a noise like a sigh.

“Because it couldn’t tuna piano?” he offered. Delta stepped into the lake and floated to the massive Moon Catfish.

“Nope. Because I haven’t created any fish monsters to play the piano,” she said as they teleported into the ‘floor 1.5’ which was the dungeon inside the catfish. A little mini-gauntlet so to speak. The inside space was squishy and fleshy as before but now that she was here, she focused and pulled up the menu. Even with her spending, she still had so much mana and DP to throw about.

‘Catfish Mini-Dungeon: Yeah, it’s that level.

A gauntlet of rooms in between the first and second floor which allows adventurers to skip the first floor by taking this alternative path. Walking on the floor is like sinking into cotton candy, if the candy was fish guts. The walls are warm and huggable, if they liked hugs that were veiny and wet. The ceiling is concave and ribbed but, not for their pleasure.

Upgrades:

The Walls have Eyes: The fleshy walls swallow people who touch them for too long, suffocating them in their folds. If their name is Kaori, this attack is extra lethal. 40 Mana.

Wishbones: Stepping in the wrong place causes bones to snap like a bear trap. Lethal but if they break it, they get a wish. The wish is also a trap. 50 Mana.

Acid Reflux: A rising tide of-

“Wait, this is all wrong,” Delta insisted. She brought up the menu and flicked through different screens until she came upon the issue. The ‘between’ floor rooms had been set to ultra violent due to a ‘precedent’.

“What precedent? The only other between floor with a between room is the-” Delta began, confused, then clamped her mouth shut.

“Ah the consequences of your own actions. How nice to see them,” Nu said brightly.

“It wasn’t my fault I left the room on auto and it turned into a death room of evil deathness,” Delta complained. She tapped on the screen with a finger.

“I won’t mess this one up. I’m going to make this work, I’m going to make this fun… and I’m going to do it on purpose,” she insisted, tapping the screen harder with each statement. She turned to see the confirmation of a purchase in the ‘Misc’ section.

“Nu, why didn’t you stop me?” she asked simply.

“Boredom, mostly.”

Delta flicked to her purchase history.

“Caramel coffee. Caramel coffee. Ice-cream. Frappichino. Slippers…aha here we are,” Delta said and brought the item up for inspection.

“Should you really be using mana to make unreproducible products to simulate the taste of home?” Nu asked and Delta nodded.

“It’s economical. Somewhere,” she said distractedly as she read. The more she read, the more she was relieved.

She had only purchased a critter.

“Crimson Minnow: A lively little fish that can extend the life of anyone by ten seconds. They taste so bad no one wants to eat them. Rumor has it they can transform into a dragon if they overcome a waterfall.”

The room began to shake.

“Nu?” she called out, concerned. Nu floated over and zoomed in on her purchase. There was a little box in the corner she hadn’t seen.

You have bulk purchased 1000 Crimson Minnows.

“That seems fishy,” she said as the fishgeon opened its maw and inhaled a wave of crimson, drowning Delta and Nu in a scent so bad that Nu cracked. The fish were excited and lively as promised, but the smell…

Delta retched and tried to cover her mouth.

It was like a dead person had been set on fire then rolled in garbage then soaked in old gravy then marinated with raw sewage.

Congratulations! You have now experienced the worst taste in the world (Gutrot) and the worst smell (Crimson Minnow). You have an air of sophistication.

In the midst of the swarm of crimson, a single golden streak was just seen as it vanished.