Ways of Parting - Chapter 31

The cup on the table splashed around the remaining coffee in it.

After his mother’s call last time, Kang Taejung tried to stay at his parents’ house for at least a day each weekend. Seo Youngwoo showed some signs of disappointment, but to soothe his disappointment, Taejung met with him diligently when he had time, even on weekdays, just to make up for the small amount of time they got to meet. It was a relationship without any major conflicts and they maintained such consistency. There was nothing that could be considered truly problematic in their daily life.

A stable relationship free from stress and anxiety. That had been his greatest wish in a relationship. The shape of his eyes were slightly curved and made a rather gentle impression, but the feelings underneath them were heavy.

His hand, flipping the corner of his cellphone, came to a halt as he grew bored. Thud- Even as it fell on the table after a few turns, the screen shone brightly with messages from several people. There was a visible smile on that person’s lips as he watched it.

‘It’s like lighting.’

‘Lighting?’

‘The kind of lighting for stages. It seems like your phone never gets a break. It keeps blinking like stage lighting. Do you keep getting calls from people? Because it’s quite fascinating. Mine is like the night. Always black. There’s never any calls.’

He let out a laugh at the question that actually seemed curious. However, the asker was quite serious, persistently staring at Kang Taejung’s phone with curious eyes as it rang nonstop for a long time. His eyes were pretty, almost like a kid who was barely past puberty, that he met his lips breathlessly. Once, twice, three times. The kisses grew sweeter as the numbers increased making it difficult to stop.

He was completely immersed in his feelings for the other. How else could he express his feelings besides this?

Kang Taejung walked to the half-open window with his cold cup of coffee. There were only three things that lit up the pitch-dark night: the stars, the streetlights, and the moon that crept out through the clouds. He stretched out his arms while breathing hard under the tightening pressure in his lungs.

Creak—

The cool autumn breeze entered the room as he completely opened the window. The cold wind made his huddled heart relax a little. He couldn’t feel any movement across the room from him. A scene that he had unconsciously buried suddenly came to mind.

…He was laughing.

He could still tell even though he was watching from a distance. The image of someone talking with Ha Joyoon as his arms wrapped around him, kept replaying in his head. Although he was glad that he looked more peaceful than the last time they met, his cowardly heart still couldn’t help but flare up. The embarrassment from thinking about it made him clench his hand around the cup he was holding.

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Even though he didn’t want to be conscious of it, his thoughts teased its owner, as he lost control and reflected on past times. His heart thumped dully at the distant torrent of pain.

He was the one always surrounded with people. It was easy for him to hang out with others and it was fun to be with them as well. He had a different cardinal disposition compared to Ha Joyoon who valued time alone. Of course, their different ways of human relation did not affect their relationship. Absolute trust. The trust between him and Ha Joyoon was so solid and secure that it could not collapse even at the temptation of others.

A self-mocking smile suddenly slipped past Kang Taejung’s lips. Trust, you say. He was astounded by the sense of loss he felt.

The tower of trust, which he thought would last forever, had already been rickety for a long time. He had simply covered his eyes and pretended not to know.

It was his choice to end it so messily. It was impossible for a break up to be beautiful but his end with Ha Joyoon was more ragged and messed up than normal.

‘You don’t have to worry about that anymore.’

The quiet words had now become sharp blades that pierced through his ears. The result of his selfishness seemed to have been completely revealed through Ha Joyoon’s reaction. His smile which used to be like a warm spring no longer remained. Instead, what came to mind was Ha Joyoon’s dumbfounded expression as he looked at him and Seo Youngwoo on the night they reunited. That’s why he shouldn’t have done that. He knew that. He knew that but still decided to do so.

Their first reunion in five years was a border between dream and reality. The moment Kang Taejung saw Ha Joyoon’s face, he thought he’d die from the terror that caused his heart to burn up. As much as he felt sorry and ashamed that he couldn’t wait till the end, he had no other emotion besides fear at that moment.

The fear from his lowest point in life became a psychological imprint and warned him to keep him from experiencing that again. He simply thought it was time for him to live life too. Now he realized it was a cheap excuse, but he felt that way back then.

Back then…

Tormented by his selfish and indecisive heart, Kang Taejung buried his face in his hands. His past anguish due to his missing lover as well as his former whispers of love, all seemed like hypocrisy.

It was laughable.

I want to forget you completely, but I find myself frantically searching for the traces of me left by you in that short time. When I realize for the first time that there might be several people I don’t know around you, I tremble with a sense of loss even though I chose to drive you out of my life and stand by others. How much more selfish and hypocritical could I be?

The sound of an odd laugh came out between the hands that covered his face. It sounded almost like crying. Brrr- – –

His cell phone on the table rang wildly with vibration. Dark eyes slowly looked towards the source of the sound. His neural circuits took in the familiar name on the screen. It was Seo Youngwoo.

“…”

Brrr- – – Brrr- – –

The vibration never stopped even as time passed. His hesitating hand on the table headed towards the phone after a short silence. The somber voice was completely obscured after a few coughs.

“Youngwoo-yah.”

– “Hyung, why weren’t you answering your calls?”

“Sorry. I was having a talk with mom.”

– “Oh, then I can call you later.”

“No, I’m done now. It’s fine.”

– “Hyung, today at the office…”

As he lowered his head, soft hair flowed down his forehead. Shadows were scattered across his nose. The casual conversation carried on without anything special happening.

Ask how the other was doing, wonder about their daily routines, and discuss their schedules together. He realized that he was now doing all the things he actually wanted to do with Ha Jo-yoon, with others. The things Ha Joyoon couldn’t do for him were now being done by a different person.

Just like the slow drench of spring rain, Seo Youngwoo was always there when he looked back. It was painful when he found himself leaning on him, receiving comfort and peace of mind. He had a vague thought that his heart would gravitate towards Seo Youngwoo someday, even if it wasn’t because of the wrong he had done to him.

Kang Taejung smiled helplessly at his unbearable bitterness. His tightly pulled cheeks trembled. His inexplicable sense of loss and guilt overflowing like a wave. On the contrary, no matter how much water was poured into the hole in the chest, it would not fill up. However, he didn’t realize that when he smiled with his head down, trying to concentrate on his phone.

***

The world in the viewfinder is like a contraction of human history. All joys and sorrows are recorded raw without any corrections. Journalism places its value on informing the truth beyond mere photographs, and the record caught in a flash becomes eternal and is remembered in people’s minds. Therefore, it should be closer to the truth and must be recorded accurately. This was the iron rule reporters should never forget as long as they held a camera and pen.

For this reason, pressing the shutter required determination. This was because the scene made by him would become an article and be distributed to media around the world. A sense of responsibility and duty were one of the basic qualities that should be preceded and there had been no event in the world that was considered trivial news.

{The Japanese government confirms that the issue has been finally and irreversibly resolved on the premise that the above-mentioned measures are steadily implemented with the Korean government. The Japanese government refrains from criticizing each other on issues seen in the international community, including the United Nations in the future.}

{The South Korean government refrains from criticizing the issue in the international community, including the United Nations, on the premise that the measures expressed by the Japanese government will be steadily implemented. That’s all for the Korean government. I am very pleased to announce the end of the previous negotiations with the Foreign Minister before the 50th anniversary of the normalization of diplomatic relations between South Korea and Japan. Follow-up to the fundamental agreement…}

Soulless apologies and pardons were quickly exchanged, as if they were taken from a machine. It was a scene where emotions were mixed as simply as instant coffee. Nowhere in their comments did they seem truly apologetic and forgiving. It was difficult to find any emotion in their dull expressions marked at the scene of reconciliation, which was simply decided by a documentary signature.

In an era of brutal violence and damage, where people went to war with pens instead of guns, one struggles and resists, and another writes a record of their lives. It was not only a proud history but also a shameful history that had to be recorded and remembered.

For those who risked their lives somewhere and fought alone, away from people’s eyes, Ha Joyoon sincerely framed the scene of the brutal diplomatic defeat in front of him. Trying as much as possible not to miss every emotion, every truth, even a little gesture, tone, expression, and movement, so that the history and records of that moment would remain forever and continue on to future generations. So that no one could justify their lack of awareness.