You Won’t Understand Me - Chapter 104

Yul came back home quite late at night. He parked his bike in the garage and dragged himself to the front door. The porch light was on.

He entered inside with the spare key.

“I am home.” He said softly while taking his shoes off. He thought Zeng had gone to sleep but he was in the study room instead and came out upon hearing Yul’s voice.

“Welcome home.” Zeng greeted him.

The doctor noticed that his boyfriend didn’t have a smile on his face. Something had happened, Zeng instantly knew it.

Before he could say anything, Yul wrapped him in a bear hug, momentarily catching him in surprise with the intensity and force of it.

“What’s wrong?” Zeng hugged him closer and asked.

“Nothing just tired.”

A white lie.

Yul’s heartbeat quickened with it and Zeng could feel it. It was not like Yul to lie to him unless it was something painful to say out loud.

“Are you okay?”

Zeng pulled from the hug and checked his temperature with the back of his palm. It was normal. After confirming that he was really alright, at least physically, Zeng decided to leave it at that.

“Okay, get changed,” he said. “Did you eat with your team? Should I put on a plate for you?”

“No, I only had a little drink. The rest of the little shits stuffed themselves with my money,” Yul said, removing his coat which refused to be pulled out of his arms. Zeng helped him with it.

“You always complain but end up paying for them every single time,” He said upon observation, taking the coat off and hooked it over his arm. He then proceeded to remove the tie. Yul let him do it and stood still. “Aren’t you very generous, Officer Wang?”

“I feel like they are my responsibility,” Yul admitted, “At least job-wise.” Yul said it but it felt like it was not coming from his heart.

Zeng put the tie over the coat and placed his hands on Yul’s broad chest over the soft fabric.

“Is something wrong, Yul?” He asked carefully.

His heartbeats picked up pace and Yul had to avert his eyes elsewhere.

Zeng felt the change in him and cupped his face. Yul let him do it and placed his own hands on Zeng’s wrists.

Zeng made him look into his eyes. Those sharp eyes were filled with unknown sadness that made his heart wrench.

“Yul, what happened? Tell me. I am here.”

Yul took a deep breath but hesitated as he replied, “I- I almost came out to my colleagues.”

“Oh,” Was the only thing Xiao Zeng could think of. “Um… as in you decided to tell them or… did anything happen that made you want to do it? I mean it’s absolutely fine… but I just want it to be on your terms.”

Yul sighed, “It was an impulse. I didn’t do it though.”

Zeng made him sit down close to him, holding his boyfriend’s stronger hands in his own. It was few of those times when the larger hands trembled and where needed to be held channelling strength.

“I feel like a hypocrite, Zeng ge. I feel weak. And powerless. And pathetic. I want to tell the entire world and somehow I am not even able to tell those few people from my team. I am not afraid of what the world may say but it’s my team who has been working with me for years. How should I tell them? How should I get them to accept me?”

Zeng could hear the tremble in his voice. He could see Yul’s confidence plummeting to the ground. He could see him going back into the shell. In his sharp eyes, many emotions swirled. There was anger, guilt, confusion but most importantly, there was fear.

“Is it that big of a deal?” He asked, “Is my private business so important that people are not going to trust me?”

Zeng put a hand on the back of Yul’s head. “It’s not in our hands to decide what people will think, Yul. Acceptance comes from the heart and we can’t do anything about it if people don’t want to understand. All we can do is tell our truth.”

“If I do come out, not everyone is going to accept it,” Yul said miserably. He may have been shaking but Zeng didn’t point it out and only made his grip stronger, holding him firmly.

Zeng spoke softly, “That’s how it is. There will always be people who won’t accept us. The most important thing is how comfortable you are with sharing about yourself.”

“But that comfort is going to cost me my teammates,” Yul raised his voice, his insecurity lashing out, “We are fighters, Zeng ge. We got to have each other’s back on the field. For that to happen, there has to be complete trust among us and I had been keeping it that way with my team.” He looked at Zeng, “What if they don’t trust me because of this one truth? What if they think I am not worthy enough?”

“Why won’t they think that?” Zeng asked, offended on Yul’s behalf, “What does your sexuality have to do with your capabilities in doing your job?” Things like this were the ones that irritated him the most about homophobes.

“Little shits, just like you call them,” he said huffing, making Yul smile. Zeng was relieved to see that at the cost of the curse word.

He pressed a hand to the side of Yul’s face. “But if they are mean to you, I am to fight them.”

“You will fight?” Yul loved Zeng but anyone with a pair of eyes could tell how the fight was going to end with someone double the size of Zeng.

Zeng was offended that Yul didn’t trust his ability to fight, “Do you doubt my wrath?” He asked, puffing out his chest trying to look intimidating with that soft, kind face of his.

“Absolutely not,” Yul snorted and kissed Zeng on the lips. He felt much lighter now. He rolled his shoulders to relax his tense muscles.

“I am scared for my department now, Zeng ge. What if you hurt them badly?”

Zeng nodded confidently. “You should be because I am going to fight everyone, who is mean to my Yul,” he said, fisting his hands in the air and shaking them.

Yul found that cute. He hugged Zeng, putting all his weight on him so that they almost fell back.

“I love you,” the younger man mumbled against his shoulder.

Zeng nuzzled him. “Me too.”