You Won’t Understand Me - Chapter 78

Days turned to weeks and weeks to months. It had been six months since Zeng and Yul’s relationship came to an end. Six whole months since he last saw Yul, since he heard his voice or felt his touch. There were no more Sunday mornings where he would wake up to Yul smuggling against his chest for warmth. Strong arms wouldn’t encircle his waist while cooking in the kitchen. He didn’t have to worry about making the food too spicy anymore. He didn’t need to bake cookies or cakes since no one would eat them. There were no occasional ‘I miss you’ messages or the frequent nightmares.

Everything had gone still. Everything was at peace… then why did the heaviness in Zeng’s heart not fade away?

Being in love with Yul was a phase that, Zeng thought, he had already overcome. Six months was enough of a time to move on.

He had kept himself busy. Even if he got reminded of the younger male whenever he saw anyone in a police uniform, he tried pushing away the remnant longing and thinking that he had one less thing to worry about. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t. But he kept on moving ahead till a time came when everything else didn’t matter. His world now consisted only of his job, his career ahead and his family back in his hometown who supported his every decision. He can live well again with whatever’s left.

Everything in his life was just like before except that there was no Wang Yul in it.

It wasn’t like he never doubted his decision. A voice at the back of his had asked him many times – ‘Is this what I want? Am I happy now? Will I regret it?’

His life was much more comfortable than before. However, he couldn’t exactly tell if he was happy.

Who was he to ask for happiness? Happy or not didn’t matter. However, he definitely felt relieved. This relief had cost him a lot but he thought, maybe the other person could go back to his ‘normal’ life, the life before he met him and that made him withhold his decision. He was the one holding back Yul for having that normal life. A married life and children; he wanted them so bad and he knew Yul wanted them too but Zeng could never give him that happiness. So he freed Yul. Now he can have the happiness he desired, the one that Zeng can’t provide him.

Yul was bisexual. He could always go back to his ‘normal’ heterosexual life. He can easily find anyone else. A female can give him what Zeng couldn’t. She can truly keep him happy.

‘A wife and children; a happy family. My Yul deserves it all. But what did he get instead?… Me! A coward fool who can’t even stand by him in times of need, an unworthy person who can’t even give him a child.’

At times Zeng had blamed himself for snatching something so precious from Yul. But regret wasn’t something he was allowed to feel. Pathetic… that’s what he was.

Maybe Zeng made it so difficult for Yul to understand him that the latter couldn’t penetrate the walls the former had made around himself. It was all his fault. He was the reason for it all. He was the reason why Yul had to hold back on his wish to have a complete family. He was the nuisance interfering with Yul’s dream job.

Yul may consider him heartless but he couldn’t tell him that their different views of careers wasn’t the only reason for their break up. If he had told him how suffocating it was for him to see Yul holding back on happiness, even then of course, Yul would have said he didn’t need such shallow reasons of happiness. Zeng knew Yul would have hugged him dearly with his secure arms. He would have said that he didn’t need any marriage or children; he would have said that as long as Zeng was with him, he didn’t need anything else.

Zeng knew that’s the kind of person Yul was. He knew very well how much he loved him.

‘How selfish of me!’

Yes, he was selfish but not because he ran away but because he made Yul suffer from the same lone life along with him. He kept on dragging him even though he knew Yul could have had a better… a happier life. Moreover, his job was threatening the only chance Zeng had at happiness; Yul’s existence. It was the hammer that had been constantly breaking down his hold on the life that he valued the most. And so, he decided to end things. He pushed away the person who was once his life. This was something that would leave him devastated. He was aware that it would also hurt Yul immensely.

But someday, he will move on because that’s what people do… They move on.

Time is the best healer, they say. It would heal their broken hearts eventually.

Yes, he was selfish. If him breathing without worrying was selfishness, then so be it.

Zeng knew that the entire point of life and living through it is, ‘a purpose’. How can he continue living on if the very purpose is being threatened with life not only because of a fatal job but also because of the norms of society? Only he knew how much it weighed down on him to the point of drowning him.

Wang Yul had become his purpose of living. He loved him way too much. But what would happen if that purpose itself would perish. He had been trying to protect the purpose in his own way but he, in turn, became the shackles instead of a protector. Then should he wait for him to die or see his dreams of having a normal life crumble and then move on? Isn’t it better to stop seeing him as the ‘purpose’ then? Ending this psychological turmoil… wouldn’t it be better?

He was doing himself a favour and for Yul too. It would save them both. Ending things with each other was the best decision.

……….

A new day rose. The hospital was as busy as ever and Zeng had intended to keep himself as busy as he could. Time went by at the speed of light and lunch break arrived. Dr Xiao Zeng was heading towards the canteen. Walking along the corridor of the central block, he saw his former intern apprentice, Dr Wu Fanxing walking with a blank face. The young intern didn’t seem to notice where he was going.

Xiao Zeng snapped his fingers in front of Fanxing’s eyes, who came back from his thoughts.

“Oh Sir, it’s you. I was thinking about coming over to meet you.” His blank face now turned sad.

“Me? What happened?” Dr Xiao Zeng started walking towards the canteen thinking that Fanxing would follow him and they could talk while having lunch.

Fanxing got in front of him which made Zeng halt in his tracks. “Don’t tell me you didn’t get the news yet?”

Xiao Zeng was taken aback seeing the seriousness in the intern’s eyes. “About what?” He asked, suddenly feeling anxious.

At the next moment, he found himself running towards the Emergency Ward; Fanxing’s words echoing in his ears,

“That Police Officer had been admitted to the Emergency Ward again. I heard it is more serious than all his previous times. The surgery is still going on. But nobody can say what might happen….”