You Won’t Understand Me - Chapter 92

Zeng looked away. Even now with this close proximity, he didn’t dare meet those eyes which once contained nothing except love for him. Now they harboured a sea of emotions that crashed down Zeng’s wall of defence, rendering him exposed and he felt vulnerable.

“Look at me in the eyes, you coward.” Yul jerked him closer. Zeng shuddered upon meeting Yul’s gaze. He could see how desperate his raging eyes were. Even through the raw anger, Zeng could see how hurt Yul was.

‘What have I done?’

He never intended for this to happen. He had expected things to get better for both of them. They both were supposed to be in a better place, with a better person if possible. But none of that happened. Yul was in so much pain and he alone was responsible for it. The burden was crushing him slowly and painfully. He deserved all the hate but now that he got it, this was too painful to bear it. How must Yul have felt all these months?

How could Zeng even think he archived something when things were never worse.

The more Zeng looked into Yul’s gleaming dark eyes, the more he realised how cruel he had been on him. There was no way things would be getting back to how they were. He was the one who closed all the doors which led to Yul. There was no going back. Yul hated him now.

Zeng expected another screaming thrown at him but was surprised to feel Yul’s grip on him soften. His voice turned gentle as if he was pleading, “I hate you, Xiao Zeng. You have hurt me so much. I hate you with all my existence… but even then, I love you with all my heart.”

He could no longer take it and buried his face in Zeng’s shoulder. “Why do you have so much power over me? Why do you tear my heart in one go and mend it back with one touch? Why do you make me hate you one moment and force me to love you with a single look? Tell me, Zeng ge, why do I love you so much?”

The said man had no answer as the younger man was demanding them. He was shell shocked by what was happening. He had wanted the other person to lead a happy life without him. He believed they were better off each other. But seeing Yul like this, he was not so sure anymore.

He had worked so hard to separate himself from Yul, to not feel the pain, to not feel anything. But this emotion he was feeling right now was like no other.

“Why are you like this, Zeng ge? And why am I like this? Why… why do I love you so much that it hurts? I don’t understand, I really don’t understand why I love you.” Yul sobbed, “At times, it hurts so much that I want to stop feeling it but I don’t know how to. Loving you is like breathing to me, I would die if I stop.”

Every word weighed down on Zeng. He couldn’t even lift up his arms to soothe the crying person as he felt too weak. He felt so distant and numb. He had no idea what to do anymore. He didn’t know how to make everything alright. The only thing he could do was to apologise for everything he had done.

“I- I am sorry.” He spoke through a broken voice.

Yul looked up. His eyes were swollen red from crying too much and his face was stained with tears but retained its innocence. “You still don’t get it, do you? I don’t need your sorrys. I don’t want your apologies. I want you… I want you in my life, you hear me?”

“But I am not worthy enough to be by your side. I will cause you even more pain if I come back.” Zeng’s eyes now shed tears of regret and sorrow, “Did you forget what I put you through? I can do that again if I feel cornered and you will be hurt all over again.”

“I know you have your reasons, Zeng ge,” Yul held him close, a hand caressing the doctor’s face, “It was hurting you as much as it was hurting me. All I want is to know the reason and make you feel better. Anything… I will do anything but don’t tell me to let you go, please.”

Zeng tilted his head at Yul’s touch, “Leaving you wasn’t easy for me, Yul. But you should know that I can’t give you anything. I am empty and shallow. I received a lot from you but I have nothing to give. Hell, I can’t even stand by your side to support you. I am so useless. You don’t deserve someone wretched like me. You deserve someone way better.”

Yul shook his head as he gently cupped Zeng’s face, “I don’t want anyone better. The flawed and insecure Xiao Zeng… That’s the man I love. That’s the man I choose. I want you, Zeng ge. You are all I need.” He was speaking with all his sincerity. “I can’t live without you. Please don’t make me stay away from you anymore. I beg you, please.”

Yul hugged him… not just his body but his soul. “Please, Zeng ge. Please.” Yul kept mumbling softly into his ear.

As the strong arms held him, Zeng realised how perfectly he fit in them. This was his home… in Yul’s embrace.

“I promise, I will take care of you. I will listen to everything you say, everything you ask me to do. I will never let you feel that way again. I will always be there for you. I will always love you, I promise.” He meant every word he said, “Zeng ge, will you please come back to me?” The voice that had gotten hoarse from crying asked him. “Will you be mine?”

More tears streamed down Zeng’s eyes, washing out all the insecurities and doubts. His arms that were weighing down with tremendous burden, now felt light. He immediately wrapped them around the other person… his person and dipped his head into Yul’s shoulder.

“Yes,” he sobbed.. “I will.”