A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 50

The flying castle had finally reached the area around Mt. Goshen. “Jeeve’s when are we touching down on the mountain top. ” Sylvester asked after a sip of catshit coffee that he was told to try. Apparently the R and D dungeon 22 floors below him had the horny imps working triple time just to come up with fresh products. “Kopi Luwak is way too expensive to produce. Those civet cats are endangered we can get some housecats and we’ll force feed them Juice Burger Corp house roasted coffee beans and tell the public that it’s something rare and desirable.” Jeeves said. Sylvester was pretty proud of his castellan Jeeves. “This cup of java was well done Jeeves. I’m detecting undertones of ammonia and vanilla.The cat’s guts absorbed most of the unpleasant chemical waste smell of the coffee. I’m thinking Feline Saphire would be a catchy name to get people to try it”

“Very well sir, I’ll phone headquarters to have them adopt as many housecats as they can in Bino City two birds killed. Animal philanthropists and pure rainforest sourced coffee with sustainable production. The world will think we are saints.” Jeeves cracked his whip down in the dungeon signally it was time for a lunch break for the imps.”No Sparky you can’t eat that cat he’s a valued unpaid intern just like you have a rummage in that fermented squid pellet bag. Sir, we would be arriving within the next few minutes I will inform the gremlins to start lowering below cloud level.”

“As long as they stick to piloting I don’t care but I want the gremlins to stay away from the engine room.” Sylvester remembered the last time the company hired some gremlins to work maintence at a restaurant in a border city. ‘That was an explosive grand opening to say the least.’

The LARPERS had finally arrived. Dread Pirate Scott gave the order for his delegation to pitch their pavilion on the north west area of the flattened ground. The crest of the umber dragon on sable fluttered wildly in the wind it presented a majestic sight for about 30 seconds until the sky castle came down on top of it and the four LARPERS attempting to erect their recruitment tent. Scott knew he couldn’t compete with a flying castle, swallowing his pride he spoke. “Ser Fortwenth,Squire Parcival, Stable Lad Henry, and Knight-Errant Harris have fallen, the weight of thast castle was verily mighty. Crushed in both body and soul, we shall erect a monument to their bravery and virtue after we get back to our Blanket Fort. Ser Moermont I recognize that rapscallion from the sharecropper village, taketh the merry gentlemen of our free company to the side and hold a small prayer for our fallen whilst I parlay with The Tinker.”

Jimbo and Ethel were patiently waiting for the Elder to show up with his truck of goodies when he spied Scott coming over. ‘I bet he needs something… I wonder what.’ Jimbo grinned inwardly after seeing a floating castle drop down on top of the LARPERS. Scott dropped all pretensions of his speech. “Howdy cousins, any chance of us setting up shop next to you?”

“What’s in it for us?” Jimbo asked while looking at Scott with a grin.

Ethel looked over at the newcomer squinting her eyes. She reached out to brush the bangs out of his face. “Heavens above that’s little Scotty. You are Murphedette’s youngest son I ain’t seen you in a coon’s age. How’s your sister Pauline?”

“Pregnant and bȧrėfoot on the linoleum Cledus’s trailer. Anyhow look you guys saw what just happened mind if we set up some stools next to y’all?”

“Depends.” Jimbo spit and looked up at the looming tower of the central keep on that castle.

“Depends on what exactly?” Scott asked while also looking at the castle.

Scott took off his backpack reached inside to produce a small bottle of Cockatrice Single Malt. He opened the bottle and took a long pull off it before passing it to Jimbo. “Drink it in good health cousins. I’ll get a fire started and send the others back down to push. We made our ascent through the wooded slope vehicles are a burden.”

“Not all of us are rich enough to give everyone a storage ring or bag of holding so e people rely on mortal means. How is executive protection treating you guys these days? business must be pretty good with the way Juice Burger is expanding?” Jimbo wasn’t terribly interested but he felt obligated to make idle conversation with his distant family.

Scott’s relatively anodyne visage turned to a dark scowl with a thousand mile stare.

“It’s a battlefield every night in the capital, the current Chief Procurer hasn’t picked a successor. He quietly approves of the bloodshed. As far as he is concerned any Vice President knocked off saves company funds that he can funnel into his retirement account.

I’m not sure but I think the guy that owns that castle called a meeting with Vice President of Acquisitions Gladis Tumbral at the newest location in Thurm’s Hill and arranged for gremlins to get a chance to play with the ovens. Scuttlebutt says there was a spirit stone bomb with 4.4 grams fulmbast attached to it to make it look like the varygas was leaking and it ignited during a oven test. It levelled the new store and a quarter of the trees behind it. Juice Burger’s response was to build the town a new park and place a workhouse for the company wards. That guy is probably Sylvester Gloom he started as a fry cook then became manager in a week after working the flagship store.Within a year he became a VP. He’d be the only guy with the juice and a castle that Juice Burger would send out here to a backwater like this.”

“Decent power play on his part.” Jimbo nodded his approval ‘Company politics is a brutal business. No wonder the company gave him a castle.’

“Sir, it appears we have crushed some LARPERS underneath us. How should we proceed?” Jeeves asked from the central dungeon through the tube. “I don’t know… maybe 200 free CEO Burger coupons should pave the way to some goodwill.” Sylvester responded from the wall tube as he was to begin his address to the yokels on the mountain. “Half-off coupons or free ones?” Jeeves was rustling through his roll top desk that was mounted to the wall next to his speaking tube.

“Buy one get one half off coupons. We are paying a wergild not running a charity! You imbecile flog yourself. Company motto is get daddy Slug some money never give away a smile for free unless you can’t help it.” Sylvester grabbed his megaphone and stepped to the balcony.