A Slackers Guide To Immortality - Chapter 51

The Onangaga Brewery truck got off the road to follow the trajectory of the minibike until it crashed into a small lake. Joe had held on to the bike until he hit lake bottom.’Damn good thing I can hold my breath for 15 minutes. It’s going to take some time to get this bike out of the muck. First I suppose I better get Blue to the bank.’

“Regis do we have a first aid kit in the truck? These guys might need some plasters or something.” Stanley had stopped looking out the top hatch and began to prepare to help the guys from the bike.

Brother Blue was already on the bank and mostly fine but he had a nasty bruise from falling flat on his back in the water. ‘I should have balled up or else went for a feet first landing. I’m free now I should try to get back to Shawnee Province’ Just as he managed to crawl up the side of the bank a large white object came barrelling down the hill knocking him back into the lake.

“Uh Regis I think we just hit some guy…”

“Don’t worry about it we’ll pour beer all over him claim that the bastard was drunk it won’t be our fault at all.”

A voice called out from the water “Blue you lazy bastard wake up we gotta get my bike out of the lake. You fellas in the truck got a rope maybe I can tie it to the handle bars and you get a pull on it for me.”

“Dude you just jumped a mini bike from halfway up Mt Goshen and survived. I’m not one hundred percent sure but if you jumped from the top of the mountain and let us film it Corporate would be willing to pay you.”

Brother Blue was still playing dead but he knew now that there was a means of revenge on Joe he just needed to let the Elders know that there was cash to be made.

“Sorry but I didn’t even mean to take the bike off a perfectly good mountain to begin with it was a mechanical failure and my Dad is probably going to be pretty pissed off.” Joe removed his shirt and began to wring it dry when Regis noticed his tatoos. ‘This young man is of the line of Big Tim one of the King’s Men… that does it now we have to get him to do it. If I invoke the sacred ritual of No Balls the tatoos will circulate his testosterone into overdrive temporarily clouding his judgement.’

“No Balls!” the tatoos glowed and the man’s irises dilated filling the whites with a sickly grey mass. “What did you say?” asked the younger man with an etheral pitch to his voice. “No Balls! I said No Balls.” Regis replied. Joe smacked Regis on his cheek then ran to the beer van. He cranked the ignition and took off up the mountain. Stanley was dumbfounded “Regis he just stole our ride and it only makes since that van is going off a cliff at the top now… what are we going to say to corporate.”

“We ain’t saying shit except a member of the royal family wanted to shoot a commercial so he commandeered some corporate property to do it. You feel like helping me film what may be the best commercial Onangaga has ever had.” Regis made some specifically intricate hand movements the screamed “Flight of the Pregnant Pelican!” transforming into an oversized fat pelican with one wing slightly shorter than the other. “Hurry up Stanley climb on I can hold this form for less than 20 minutes.” Stanley was all to happy to oblige. ‘Yay I’m either fired or getting a promotion to the head of photography in the marketing department after this debacle.

Meanwhile at the top of the mountain Juice Burger set up an inflatable of Sluggy their mascot and some biodegradable balloons (Actually dead imp bladders) to give out to anyone that wanted one. The Elders and the dumptruck had made thier ascent and Bi was beginning to unload samples of produce from the farm. When a box truck came riding hell for leather through the middle of the market square slamming into cultivators and displays alike. Sluggy got stuck to the truck’s back bumper and trailed after it like a pennant when it went over the Northface of the mountain. Following the truck was a small man astride a fat pelican with a MOCO filming the whole scene of destruction.

Joe’s testosterone fueled antics began to come to a close when he was midair. ‘Damn this is how I’m actually going to die… wait what’s that behind me.’ With some extremely quick thinking Joe crawled through the back of the truck and escaped to the inflatable behind him. Disengaged the slug from the bumper and used it to glide to safety amidst the trees at the bottom.

“Stanley you get all that?”

“Wouldn’t matter if I didn’t not like we can shoot it again… Dude this is awesome if we show it as is we basically let the whole world know that Juice Burger is our friend.”

“That’s dangerous but might be the only way we live through this. Send it off to Martine and let him do some voiceover magic to it. If he doesn’t help us we just air the raw cut. I’m expecting sales to go through the roof for a week or two just off the buzz from this.”